It has been a week since I got back from the trip 🚌🚌🚌
Last Friday, I got on the bus to New York and I came back to Montreal on Sunday.
It was a short trip, but VERY emotional 💔💔💔
I attended a funeral on Saturday. My beloved cousin passed away tragically on August 14.
The breaking news came from my sister the second day after his passing. For a few days after, I couldn't concentrate or focus on anything. I was distracted. I forgot to return messages. I lost appetite. I couldn't sleep at night. One moment I could be hit by a profound sadness, feeling lost all together, another moment, a sensation of numbness could wash over me, leaving me staring at the space. I don't know how to adjust myself to the thought of his passing. I felt that I just spoke with him not so long ago. I didn't have any clue that he was even sick!
I could not wrap my head around the idea that my cousin was gone, so when I was asked to speak at the funeral, I said no.
I made the right decision. At the funeral, I could barely hold myself up. My chest was tight and my eyes were wet. Listening to people's memorial words made me realize the incredible impact my cousin had on the many lives. That thought saddened me even more.
People drove from many cities across the United States to pay their tribute. People were flying in that morning for LA, the west coast of the country. The service room could hold a maximum of 60 people. Someone said we might have around 150. Many had to stay in the hallway and the room next door. A virtual Zoom platform was also set up. More than 20 people including some from China attended the service virtually.
It was a beautiful service. People expressed their heartfelt gratitude and sincere condolences ❣️❣️❣️
I promised myself to write something after the trip 🖥️🖥️🖥️
I have been writing this piece on and off for a week, yet I struggle with words. The sorrow often came over me while I was sitting in front of the computer and left me wordless😔😔😔
My thought wandered: It has been a while since my last visit in 2009 and because of a silly thought, I missed the chance to visit him and his family this May. I know that maybe nothing would be different even if the trip did happen, well, one thing at least, it would make me less regretful 😢😢😢
The night before the funeral, my cousin came to my dream. I told him how sorry I was for not being able to come earlier and to talk sooner. He told me with a smile in his eyes not to worry about it. I woke up with tears on my cheek and words from my heart ❣️❣️❣️
I AM SO SORRY🙏🙏🙏
My nephew, the older son of my cousin, shared my cousin's life story in this moving eulogy:
Jinbao He was born on October 11, 1964, in a small village in Shandong, China. When he was 23, his younger brother, Jingguo, tragically passed away at the age of 17—a loss that left a deep and lasting impact on him. Despite the pain of this profound loss, Dad continued to move forward, channeling his energy into his studies and his future. He began school in a small, mixed classroom in his village at the age of 7.
In 1979, he attended 桓台一中 and then pursued a degree in chemistry at 山东大学化学系 Shandong University. Afterward, he earned a place in the graduate program at the 中国科学院 Chinese Academy of Sciences. He worked at大连化学物 the Dalian Institute of Chemical Physics. During his time there, his research group’s project won the First Prize in the Chinese Academy of Sciences Natural Science Award in 1997 and Second place in the National Natural Science Award in 1999.
In 1990, Dad married my mom, Xiaohui Zhao, in Dalian. In 1994, my Dad made the huge decision to move to the U.S., even passing up an opportunity at UC Berkeley to continue his studies at Mississippi State University. He spent almost a decade in Starkville, where he earned his master’s and Ph.D. in organic chemistry and did a year of postdoctoral work, and was honored with the Outstanding Doctoral Student Award at Mississippi State
Since 2001, his work in various pharmaceutical and chemical materials companies led him on a journey through Albany, New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania. His passion for innovation set him apart in every role he took on. Most recently, he worked as a senior scientist at Palmer International, where he dedicated himself to the development of new products, constantly pushing the boundaries of what was possible in his field....
He went on and shared many little personal moments that made my cousin truly a remarkable person.
My thoughts drifted away as I listened to my nephew and dwelt on the many moments we shared in the past.
I moved to Montreal in 2004 and visited my cousin during Christmas time with both of my kidsthat year. We had a wonderful time. After that, I went again with my son (my daughter was in high school in China) in 2008 and 2009, all during the holiday season, a time perfect for the family reunion. There, in this little town called Edison, New Jersey, we enjoyed quality family time together and many delicious meals. My cousin cut my son's hair. We played cards together. The kids had a ball each time.
Time flew and we didn't visit again during the holiday season. Sometimes I miss those treasured family reunions and wondered why I didn't go again. We cherished so much of those moments and the distance wasn't really a big deal. Why didn't I go again and create more memories? We did talk about them visiting the city where I live one day but that day will never come for him.
I recalled the last few phone calls we had. My cousin talked about his weekend hiking trips and I was very impressed by the mileage they did each time. They have a mighty hiking group of 20 or more people. My sister-in-law is into dance fitness. That is something I also take great interest in. Sometimes I wish that I lived closer to them so that I could also join in those activities. My cousin wished that I could move to the States if I were to start a teaching career like his wife, unfortunately, I never thought about moving elsewhere since I settled in Montreal since 2007.
I only wish that I could visit them more often in the past years. It was really a short trip: bus plus train 🚌 + 🚆. C'est tout.
At the funeral, one person referenced a very famous quote to describe what my cousin was to them. It was written by Chairman Mao when he praised a well-known doctor from Canada named Norman Bethune.
Below is the quote in both English and Chinese:
We must learn the spirit of absolute selflessness from him. With this spirit, everyone can be very useful to the people. A man's ability may be great or small, but if he has this spirit, he is already noble-minded and pure, a man of moral integrity and above vulgar interests, a man who is of value to the people.
我们要学习他那种大公无私的精神。有这种精神，人人都可以成为对人民有益的人。一个人的能力有大有小，只要有这种精神，他就是一个高尚的人，一个纯洁的人，一个有道德的人，一个脱离了低俗利益的人，一个对人民有益的人。
I found it very appropriate and fitting.
He puts others' interests in front of his own, always!
That IS my cousin, maybe too much that he forgot to listen to his own body and missed some signs.
My nephew (the younger son) concluded the service with another sentimental tribute to his father. He had to ⏸️⏸️⏸️many times to collect himself
Before concluding the service, we all waited in line one more time to say our final goodbye.
As I was standing in front of him one last time, I bowed three times and bid my farewell with these bitter and sweet thoughts:
Cousin: You and my sister-in-law have raised two wonderful kids, REST IN PEACE!
Cousin: You inspired many around you to be optimistic and live an honest life, REST IN PEACE!
REST IN PEACE as you are onto your next chapter, free from pain!
Days after, I found some comfort in the following quotes from this site:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." Washington Irving
"We do not have to rely on memories to recapture the spirit of those we have loved and lost – they live within our souls in some perfect sanctuary which even death cannot destroy." Nan Witcomb
“Your passing has left a hole in our hearts, but your love and legacy will live on forever.”
In loving memory of my dear cousin who will be forever missed
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